A New Friend

A few weeks ago, I met a new co-worker. K is an amazing young woman who has gone through a huge loss - last October, she and her husband lost a full term little girl. Her life as blogged here is a great testimony of God's grace. While I was still on sick leave, the other staff had told her of my loss. On the first day we worked together, she encouraged me to talk about Bethany and the pain of my loss. I have appreciated all those of my friends and family who realize the pain is real and have "given me permission" to grieve. The difference with K is that she "gave me permission" to feel like a mother, albeit one who has lost my only child. Some have said my loss was like a miscarriage but I felt like it was more like losing a child at full term - K was the first to tell me she believed it was. It was great to talk to someone who has experienced a similar loss and truly understands the pain. I wouldn't wish that on anyone much less a couple like K and her husband K but since they did go through it, I am glad I was able to meet them. Thank you so much, K (even though I end up crying whenever we talk about our girls)! - and I am so happy for you and pray all will work out well this time.

A time to weep....

My friends who followed my previous blog (which is no longer available to the public) will know where the title of this blog comes from and will probably even understand why today - Mother's Day - is a difficult day for me. It is 24 days since I phoned my adoption agency and told them that I would not be able to continue the adoption that I had been working on for over a year and a half. That was a very difficult phone call to make and an even more painful decision. There are times when I don't cry everytime I think about it but in church this morning, when people starting talking about their mothers, I couldn't help but weep. I mean cry buckets. To me, Mother's Day would have been a day to celebrate that "I am a mother!" Now it is a very sad day as I don't expect I ever will be a mother. My mother is still living and I spent part of the day with her today. I am very thankful that she understands how difficult this decision was and that today is particularly hard. I also have friends, including my sisters, who are understanding and it makes a world of a difference.

2 weeks ago, I spent a few days with all 4 of my sisters. We were helping my parents get ready to move but for me it was a therapeutic weekend. I really needed their support and they gave it freely. Thank you so much, R, DJ, DR and M. You are the best sisters in the world! They even bought me flowers and each wrote an encouraging note in a card - it started the tears again but in a good way this time.